NO – I’m not talking about that. I am talking about everything else.
I really wanted Pink Bird to work. I’ve always wanted something of my own – something I can say “I own this – I run this.” But – thanks to bills from insurance, $215 a week daycare for two kids and all our other bills – I just don’t think it will work. It makes me sad. How can someone else – who I won’t name – start up an event planning company and have so many clients right off the bat? I networked forever and gave out business cards like nobody’s business and only ever got a few consultations and two weddings (that I didn’t even charge for because I wanted the experience)!! Maybe it’s because I have kids and said person doesn’t. The people on t.v. (the event planners) have sitters and all that stuff. I guess that’s why they can do it. It makes my heart hurt that I can’t seem to ever do what I want.
My kids, my husband, my family – they come first before my job. Bills have to be paid – other things need to be done. I feel like my house is a mess. I look around and see a speaker system that needs to be sold, a cradle that needs to be put up. Boxes that need to be put away, papers needing to be sorted, floors swept (done daily) and mopped, counters cleaned (also done daily) and that’s just the kitchen!
I’m too OCD for my own good I guess. Winter clothes need to be put up, Keira’s room needs a book shelf. We need a pantry in the kitchen (I have lots of ideas for us to build one but – yeah), Tiny has figured out his medicine and will no longer take anything from my hand. We have to give him dinner left overs and hope that he eats the five to seven pills shoved in there. Seth’s bathroom needs to be puttied (from cat scratches and him) and painted, tile floor installed because he’s gotten the linoleum so wet underneath that it’s orange. We need our bathroom redone too…our floors aren’t bad though – I just want to paint it.
Our yard needs to be weeded – badly. Some bushes (trees technically) need to be replanted in other parts of the yard. Jeremy wanted to fence in the rest of the back yard and/or build a deck with the rest of the income tax money but we don’t know if that will happen or not.
When I get something crossed off our list – it seems like twenty other things are piled back on. It’s never ending. I feel – dragged down. Like this weight is pushing me closer and closer to the ground and that I will never be able to get back up.
I am beginning to contemplate selling off some of my things. A fancy dress I own that I probably will never wear again (it’s to fancy I think for a wedding in June I am going to), clothes that don’t fit anymore, jewelry I don’t wear. I’ve also tried to think of other ways to make money – selling Avon or Dove Chocolate – but those things cost money to make money and I don’t have it to begin with.
Any ideas? Cause I’m all out of them. My fingernails are no more – they used to be long and pretty and I didn’t mind pointing things out on paper at work, now I’m ashamed. Nerves make me bite them (horrible I know). I want to start running again but worry – will I be done in time to pick up the kids before six? I know I can and would be. Jeremy could pick up Seth if need be and I could get Keira.
Next week I am going to start bringing my running shoes and different pants to work. I will run…if that’s the only thing I can accomplish in this big list of things that need to be done and things I want to do – I will run. Anybody want to keep me to it? I’ll give you my number so you can text me the night before to say “HEY! Put your shoes and your pants IN THE CAR NOW! GO RUN TOMORROW!” I need that motivational kick in pants – the little running angel in my ear.
xo – SJ